Summer 2001 Issue
THE TEGIACCHI FAMILY
by Laura Ellman, LSW
When an individual or couple embarks upon an international adoption, they often wonder how those who have already completed an adoption fared throughout their experience. They are eager to learn from others who have already adopted and to gain comfort that their own choice to adopt internationally is a good one.
In February of 2001, Lisa and Nick Tegiacchi adopted their daughter Jillian at eleven months of age, from Moscow, Russia. They generously agreed to share their adoption story with us as a way to assist our readers with their own adoption journey.
ADOPT-A-CHILD (AAC): How did you arrive at your decision to adopt?
LISA AND NICK: After a few years of unsuccessful infertility treatments, our desire to be parents was stronger than ever. We were at a point that we needed to move forward in our life and become successful with our dreams. The intense emotions of infertility treatments had to end. For Lisa, adoption was always something she had a desire to do. Nick was not opposed to the idea, but both wanted to exhaust all efforts of having a biological child. Invitro-fertilization was expensive with no guarantee, and we chose not to move in that direction.
AAC: Why did you choose international adoption?
LISA AND NICK: We chose international adoption for a few reasons. First, we were aware of many limitations that domestic agencies have such as age, previous marriages, financial concerns, etc. Second, we knew that with international adoption the process was quick and permanent. We felt that domestic adoption was risky in the sense that you could be selected by a birth mother initially, but she could change her mind. Lastly, for every domestic baby that is available for adoption, there are at least 3 homes that a particular baby could be placed in. That is not the case in Russia.
AAC: How did you choose to work with Adopt-A-Child and do you have suggestions for how to choose an adoption agency?
LISA AND NICK: We learned about Adopt-A-Child through our cousins who had adopted their son with them. Once we met their son, we knew that we MUST use the same agency!! Prior to talking with our cousins, we did research other agencies. We attended seminars and had phone interviews with several agencies. We recommend that when choosing an agency, meet the staff and speak to as many people who have used the agency as possible. People need to ask as many questions about the health and locations of the children that the agency places. We really believe that Sonia (AAC’s Director) being a native of Russia was in our best interest. She certainly had established connections, which paved the way for a smooth process.
AAC: Was it difficult to work with an out-of-state agency?
LISA AND NICK: Not at all. The entire staff was very informative and helpful. We felt supported the entire process. Because we did meet Laura (AAC Clinical Director) personally, it felt even more comfortable working with her.
AAC: How did you maintain your calm throughout the process?
LISA AND NICK: We went into the process expecting challenges. Having gone through infertility treatments long enough we knew that things do not always happen when you want and the outcome may not be what you anticipated or expected. We were as open minded as we could be and realized early in the process that we could not control issues. The only thing that we could control was how fast we completed paperwork. After that the entire process was left to Adopt-A-Child and we had full trust in them. Without trust in your agency you could easily be overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. We did experience some conflict with travel dates, yes we were extremely disappointed, but again, it was not something that was either in our control or Adopt-A-Child’s.
AAC: Was there anything that you wish you had known to have better prepared you for the adoption?
LISA AND NICK: The amount of paperwork during our trip to Russia surprised us. Personally we were really ready to be parents. We used the time that we had during our process to read and educate ourselves as much as we could about being new parents of an adopted child.
AAC: How is Jillian doing and do you have any advice for new parents?
LISA AND NICK: Jillian is doing absolutely wonderful. She just had her 16 month check-up and her pediatrician is pleased at how nicely she is developing. She has been very healthy and has become an All-American toddler!! We are still amazed that in her short life with all the adjustments that she has had, she is thriving. Our advice for new parents to be: spend as much time with your newly adopted child as you can, let the child know who you are. Slowly introduce them to family and friends.
From the Director’s Desk: Sonia Girel
I hope that everyone is having an enjoyable summer.
We have been very busy at Adopt-A-Child as our families travel to bring their children home. This year, it has been a pleasure to work with so many of our parents who are adopting their second, third and in one case 4th and 5th children. Our staff in Russia is especially delighted to see familiar faces and to catch up on news of the older children whom they remember so well.
On June 2, 2001, we hosted our annual reunion party at the Pittsburgh Zoo with close to 400 people in attendance. I look forward to this event each year and am so thrilled to see how the children are growing and to visit with their parents. Those who were unable to attend were missed and we hope to see you at upcoming Adopt-A-Child events.
International adoption recently received tremendous support from the United States government with the passage of the following laws; The Hope for Children Act, effective December 31, 2001, which offers a $10,000, per child, tax credit for certain adoption expenses and allows individuals or couples earning up to $150,000 to qualify for this benefit, and the Child Citizenship Act, effective February 27, 2001, which automatically grants U.S. citizenship to internationally adopted children upon their entry into the United States.
Talking About Adoption within your Family
Laura Ellman, LSW
I am frequently asked by adoptive parents for suggestions about how to discuss adoption within their family, and specifically, how to begin this conversation with their children. One way I have learned more about this is by asking adult adoptees how their parents approached their adoption story when they were growing up. I have found that those individuals who were most satisfied said that in general, they felt comfortable asking questions about their adoption and believed that their parents could “handle” their inquiries and emotions around the adoption. Individuals who felt that their parents did a “fair job” said that they often felt a need to protect their parents by not speaking about their adoption and wished that their parents had been less awkward about the issue.
This is a subject that generates a good deal of interest from parents and children alike, and each year, Adopt-A-Child sponsors a discussion to explore this topic. On April 18, 2001, Adopt-A-Child’s pre- and post-adoption groups were addressed by Susan Pedaline, Clinical Nurse Manager for the Childbirth Center at Forum Health in Youngstown, Ohio, and the mother of 2 teenage sons who were both adopted as infants. Susan spoke to our group about how to speak to your child about being adopted, as well as ways to speak to family and friends.
Susan began the discussion by emphasizing the following two beliefs: 1. Parents must become comfortable talking about adoption; 2. When sharing adoption information with a child, adjust your content to the appropriate developmental level of your child.
Susan suggested that one way to begin to feel comfortable talking about adoption is to acknowledge what emotions are present when thinking about what led to the adoption of your child. These may include sadness at not having a biological child, and frustration with the medical and adoption community. The purpose is not to make these feeling go away, but to be prepared for them if and when they arise. Susan used the example of a parent who may unknowingly look away or change the subject when adoption is mentioned. She said that such responses are powerful ways to teach a child that adoption may be a topic to avoid with one’s parent.
Susan also encouraged participants to read books about adoption and have conversations with trusted family and friends in order to become more relaxed when speaking and thinking about adoption. This can also help parents to become familiar with preferred adoption terminology such as “birth” parent rather than “natural” parent, or “adoption plan,” as opposed to “giving a child up for adoption.”
When asked what age is appropriate to share a child’s adoption story with him or her, Susan said that as soon as parents begin talking to their child, the adoption story should occasionally be built into conversations. Videos and photos of parents’ travel abroad and children’s books are helpful when talking with a child about how she entered her family. Susan believes that adoption can be integrated into a family’s history in a balanced manner so that it is neither dwelled upon nor avoided.
Susan then advised using care when sharing adoption information with children, as she said that “young children often seem to understand more than they really do.” When a child asks a question she recommends “digging deeper” to understand what is really being asked. She encouraged parents to be honest with their children and to use language that they can understand. Susan believes that it is fine to withhold certain information until a child is more mature, but does not advise ever telling a child something that will be contradicted at a later time. She also stated that a child has a right to be told all available personal information at an appropriate age.
Susan spoke about her own sons’ differing interest in their adoption stories. One son has always been keenly interested in learning about his past, while her other son has shown little concern. Susan recommended being emotionally and informationally available to both profiles of children. A “more interested” child may express powerful feelings around his adoption in a straightforward manner, while a “less interested” child may require a bit more parental involvement to identify and discuss her thoughts and feelings.
When asked how to respond to curious friends and neighbors, Susan reminded the group that a child’s adoption story belongs to him. She recommended resisting the urge to share a child’s personal information even with close friends and family, as once the words are spoken, they can never be retracted. Telling a friend that your child has a biological sibling in her birth country may seem harmless when your child is a toddler, but as she matures, your child may want to personally decide if and when to share that part of her history.
Susan’s suggestions provided the group with practical ways to begin and to continue with the discussion of adoption. She challenged participants to create a family environment in which feelings may be expressed, questions may be asked, and honesty and communication are valued.
