Adopt-A-Child Newsletter

We have had a very busy and successful year at Adopt-A-Child, Inc. We received our reaccreditation from the Russian Federation in July of 2007 and per new Russian regulations, our accreditation status will remain active with no expiration date. In addition, on February 29, 2008, we received our Hague accreditation from the Council on Accreditation. I am very proud that Adopt-A-Child’s outstanding adoption practice has been recognized by both the U.S and the Russian governments!

We continue to be very active in Moscow City and St. Petersburg as we bring children and families together. We are completing the adoptions of boys within 2-5 months after a family’s UCICS approval, and girls within 5-7 months. Moscow and St. Petersburg continue to be very accommodating in terms of adoption and travel, for which our families are extremely appreciative.

The Yevgeny Girel Orphans Foundation has also enjoyed a productive and festive year. The annual dinner dance was held at the gracious Nevillewood Country Club in November, followed by a “Texas Hold Em” poker night in February. On May 5, 2008, the annual Golf Outing will be held at the impressive Nevillewood Golf Course. For more information about upcoming events and to volunteer, please call Tom Deyarmin 724-433-1294 or visit their website at ygof@ygof.org

Please mark your calendars for April 27, when we will hold an Informational Meeting at 2:00. We will describe our adoption programs, answer all of your questions and introduce families and children who are part of our Adopt-A-Child family. Please call our office for more details.

Our annual Reunion will be held on June 8, 2008, at the Pittsburgh Zoo, so save this date, as well! We always look forward to this happy event as it is such a wonderful way to visit with our families and to see how your children have grown.

Many parents become nervous when they anticipate talking about adoption with their child. Deciding when to initiate the topic, choosing the right words, wondering how much discussion is too much and how much is too little are questions that parents often consider. The desire to talk about adoption in just the right way can result in awkward conversations between parents and children, and in some cases, the avoidance of talking about adoption altogether.

To assist parents in how to approach the ongoing conversation of adoption, we invited Susan Pedaline, an adoptive mother, to speak to a group of Adopt-A-Child parents. Susan is the mother of 2 sons who were adopted, and now that her sons are young adults, her perspective includes how children understand adoption during various developmental stages.

Susan began by encouraging parents to pay attention to their own feelings in regard to infertility. She said that children always seem to find that “soft spot” in their parents, words that may cause a parent to flinch or to become angry or upset. When thinking about adoption, parents can try to identify what may trigger a reflexive, emotional response. If mom realizes that she experiences a negative reaction when her son asks about his birth mother, she can try to diffuse this by being prepared and by learning to react less emotionally. It may not be possible to control a feeling, but we can learn to monitor a response. Periodic and honest adoption conversations with a spouse or trusted friend can help parents to become aware of what aspects of their adoption journey may be emotionally difficult for them.

Susan’s opening advice was very simple: talk to your children about adoption. Start when they are young as a way to practice and to “get your story straight. ” She believes that all information about an adopted child’s past should be shared at an age appropriate time. While a parent may withhold certain parts of their story depending upon the child’s age, a child should never be told something which is untrue. She said that rather than “make something up” to either protect or satisfy your child, admit what you do not know. When children of any age ask a question, Susan said that in addition to answering truthfully, a parent might ask their own question to learn what a child is really wondering or thinking about. For example, a question about a biological parent may be answered by asking a child to describe what he thinks his biological mother looks like or what her interests and talents may be.

Susan said that most children grasp what adoption truly means when they are about ten years old. Younger children often believe that most people were adopted, and not until they are in elementary school do they realize that this is not the case. As children mature, their understanding becomes more abstract and they make the connection between adoption and the loss of their birth family. Susan said that many children express feelings of confusion, sadness, anger and guilt as they realize what had to happen for their adoption to occur. She stressed that these responses are normal and that parents should strive to create an environment where children feel safe communicating whatever they are feeling. When a child expresses a powerful emotion, a parent can give that feeling a name and validate that she has a right to feel that way. For example, if a child is angry that he may never meet his birth sibling, rather than try to talk him out of that anger, a parent can say, “I don’t blame you for being angry. I would be too. What part makes you mad?” Susan added that it is important to “set limits on expressions of grief; for instance, you can feel sad, but you may not hit me or break things.”

Susan recalled that her sons spoke about adoption more when they were pre-adolescents than when they were teens. As teenagers she said that months could pass with no mention of adoption. To reopen the discussion, sometimes Susan would talk about an aspect of adoption with her husband or a friend when she knew that her sons were listening. Other times she “threw pebbles” into a conversation with one of her sons to see if they reacted. She might wonder aloud about their birth mother on Mother’s Day, to learn if they were also thinking about her. At other times, Susan would take a direct approach and ask “Do you have questions about adoption?” She also added that sometimes parents can identify a relative or close friend with whom a child may be more inclined to talk, and suggest that they initiate a conversation with their child.

Unfortunately, there is no script for parents to follow when discussing adoption. Susan emphasized that while there may not be one correct way for adoption conversations to unfold, parents can have a general plan in regard to how adoption is discussed within their family. Parents should know that whether their child is talking or not, they do have thoughts, questions and emotions about adoption. It is the parents’ responsibility to tell the truth, share all available information and to create an environment where their children know that it is safe to ask questions and safe to express strong emotions. Susan concluded by encouraging our group to bring their confidence as parents to the adoption conversation. She said that in addition to creating relationships where honest discussions are allowed, parents should “practice answers, learn to identify and validate your child’s feelings, and trust yourselves as your child’s parents”

When Susan agreed to speak with our group, she asked her sons if they had any advice to offer. The following article is what Susan’s older son, Stephen, a college junior, thought was important for parents to know. We thank you, Stephen, for your insights, counsel and willingness to share your perspectives.

One thing parents might have to experience is their child will begin to wonder about their birthparent(s). This experience will vary between adolescents and should be approached according to the situation at hand. My personal feeling is that one day I would love to meet my birthmother. Be able to show her how successful I have become and just be able to say thank you for giving me the chance at life. I think this will come later in life for me though because right now I am solely concentrating on the direction I want my life to take. Searching for her/them now would more then likely complicate things in my life and I'd rather be able to have a firm foothold on where my life is before I open the door to a whole other realm of "family and friends".

The best way for parents to address this issue is from the start. Being there for support and recognizing the fact that your child did indeed come from another womb is vital to them in understanding that you are behind them in whatever avenue they choose to pursue and will give them a sense of calm and tranquility when they grow older.

Adoption in Adolescence — Thinking About It

I'd have to say that I actually think about being adopted a lot less than I used to. I guess it's because I understand the situation and I know that my family is and always will be my family. The issue does come up, but it's more related to my birthparents now instead of having questions about why I was adopted in the first place. Each child will inevitably have their own experiences, but I think it's important to still talk to your child to see how they're feeling on the issue. As I said I think about it very rarely, but when I do it's nice to know that I can always go to my parents if I have any questions or just want to talk about it a little.

Adoption in Adolescence — Fitting In

One thing for parents to understand also is the fact that very few children are adopted. Your child will rarely run into another adolescent who is adopted if they even know they were adopted at all. It is important to address this issue and let them know that they are not weird or out of the loop at all, they are unique. As they grow older their friends and classmates may very well begin to make comments that they don't look anything like their parents or that they have different colored hair etc. Adolescents struggle with fitting in to begin with and this can become a serious hurdle for them to overcome. The best way to counteract their bad feelings is to make them confident in the fact that they are loved for who they are by their parents and that they are just as normal as everybody else in their class. Their fellow friends and classmates will actually be intrigued by the fact that they are adopted and understand the circumstances. I personally have never come across somebody who had made fun of me for being adopted, but I have come across people who have wanted to ask me about it and see how I feel because that is something that they have not experienced in their life. It is up to your child how open they will be about the issue.

Overall, it is of utmost importance that the parents show love and affection to their child from a young age. If this is not done then major problems could result in adolescence due to this. It is the parents who affect their adopted child the most and the parents who need to be there when they have a question or concern. Hopefully you have steered your child in the right direction about their feelings and how to handle certain situations that may arise as a result of being adopted. If this has been done then very few complications can be expected.”