Summer / Fall 2004 Issue

THE JEFFREY FAMILY

Ann and Michael Jeffrey adopted their children Andrew and Mila in August of 2002. The following article describes their path to adoption and to becoming a family.

September 11, 2001: The unbelievable happened. Yet another negative pregnancy test marked the end of our infertility journey. The previous evening — Mike’s 34th birthday — ended in disappointment too as our attempt to buy a house was foiled by a shady realtor. Our hearts ached to admit that we had hit the end of the road. This wasn’t supposed to happen to us. We were supposed to be parents. Our time to feel sorry for ourselves was short-lived. The real disaster, the real tragedy of September 11th unfolded early in the day.

We’re Mike and Ann Jeffrey, and in a strange way the national events helped put our own lives into perspective. Always open to the idea of adopting, originally envisioning a one-day blended family with biological and adopted children; we decided the time was at hand to build our family. Two of the most important people in our lives were our nephew Randy, then 14, and our niece Katie, then 8. Randy joined the family at age 5 via a domestic adoption. Katie was adopted at 9 months with the help of Adopt-A-Child, making the agency an early favorite. However, we felt compelled to do our own research into agencies, both domestic and international. When we met with Laura Ellman in January 2002, we were certain that we were making the right choice.

In hindsight the weeks between our first meeting with Laura and the completion of our home study with social worker Tara O’Brien moved in a blur. Confident in our request for a referral for two children, we began to prepare ourselves for what we knew would be the end of life as we knew it. After 5 years of “trying” we were finally an expectant couple, and were happily making adjustments to our house, accepting hand-me-down clothes and toys, and Ann’s exit strategy from her job.

April 8, 2002: The call. Laura had two referrals for us for a little girl and a little boy. The timing was unfortunate as Ann was heading to White Plains on business for two days. Two days of butterflies. Were these our kids?

We consulted with Dr. Sarah Springer, a prominent Pittsburgh area pediatrician specializing in international adoption. Feeling confident with Dr. Springer’s input, we decided to schedule our trip to Russia! Another whirlwind period of preparation, travel, tenuous meetings, and a court visit before we were able to bring our kids home.

August 11, 2002: The population of our home doubled on this day with our night time arrival. Though we had thousands of travel miles behind us, the real journey was just beginning. Ann was pioneering the role of stay-at-home mom after many years in a high-paced career. Mike was getting a taste of life as the sole breadwinner, and reluctantly trudging off to the office each day. These changes were nothing compared to the adjustments our children were making. Understanding and accepting changes to everything: people, culture, language, food, surroundings. Despite our efforts to make the home safe, the kids showed us otherwise. Despite extensive reading about attachment, bonding, and other adoption related issues, our house seemed to be in total chaos. How could they possibly cry so much? How did Mila manage to cram so much food into her mouth and choke — again? Why didn’t Andrew want to be held? Why were they already jealous of each other? Intellectually we knew that it would get better, that our consistency and love would start to make a difference, but there were days when our frustrations mounted.

Our first visit to Dr. Springer with the kids three weeks after returning home was a real milestone. Just talking about our home life and the things the kids were doing with us and each other was encouraging. We really had come a long way! Andrew was learning English at a tremendously fast rate. He even preferred English to Russian except when he would launch into emotional tirades about something he felt passionate about. We would respond in Russian with phrases learned from Theresa Kellerer’s Adopting from Russia CD to encourage him to tell us more and feel like we were hearing him. He was learning about emotions, learning labels for his own feelings and starting to recognize that we had feelings too and so did his sister. He was imitating Papa leaving for work, he was mimicking Mama soothing a crying baby. Mila was starting to prefer us over strangers and family members. She still wanted to be held all the time, but would agree to sit contentedly on her Mama’s feet while Ann was preparing a meal or clearing the dishes. They both eagerly awaited Mike’s return from work and liked to tell us and each other “Ya tibya loobloo” I love you.

September 11, 2002: Television was still a very new thing to Andrew and Mila. With the exception of Little Bear and Teletubbies, no show would hold their attention for more than a couple of minutes. However, the anniversary of 9/11 was an important day and the networks were covering multiple memorial services. Ann explained that on this morning it would be time for a grown up show. When he first saw the expansive crowd gathered at the site of the World Trade Center, Andrew cried with delight, “Look Mama! Baseball!” We had taken them to several baseball games, and they loved the experience, in particular the people-watching. He was very interested to learn that it wasn’t baseball. Ann said, “Mama and the people on TV were feeling sad this morning.” He pondered that for a second, then curled up into Ann’s lap and said, “Mama sad. Too Andrusha sad.” Empathy from a three-year old who barely knew English, who had been uprooted from all he had known, and was still raging when he didn’t get his way. True progress!

September 11, 2003: After being home for over a year, we truly felt like a forever family. We celebrated birthdays for both kids, we took a beach vacation together, we moved to a new house — things that families do. Both children began preschool, and both declared that they loved school. They had become best friends with each other and knew without a doubt that they were with their forever family.

The surprises continue still with questions about birth families arising just after Andrew’s 4th birthday. We do our best to answer the questions that he asks and to avoid tangential topics until he brings them up, making sure we’re not responding to a preschooler’s question with an adult explanation. Both he and his sister enjoy hearing what we call The Andrew and Mila Story, and as they grow we expand on details and include more discussion about how everyone was feeling and how we feel now. It’s a wonderful opportunity for dialogue, and a way to affirm our own delight with our family.

Their relationship has blossomed into something unique for the two of them, and they proudly see themselves as a unit. People still ask us if the kids are “real” brother and sister. Their fierce loyalty to each other and their shared experiences have fused them as siblings in a way that couldn’t be any more real if they were biologically related. They show us every day the beauty of unbelievable life events.

 

 

The following article is reprinted with permission from Carrie Kitze at EMK Press.

BABY-SHOCK

Depression and International Adoption

The long wait is over: you are home from China, or Russia, or Guatemala with the baby of your dreams, a baby that you adore and who has managed to age you 10 years in 3 short weeks. The adoption process led you up to the joyous moment of being handed your child and may even have included balloons at the airport when you landed back in the USA, but it absolutely did not include preparation for the overwhelming feeling of baby-shock that all new adoptive parents experience to some degree. Day-to-day life with a new child who is scared and perhaps angry or rejecting (and who has apparently lost the ability to sleep at night!) can make even the most self-assured parent lose their confident edge.

New parents need to realize that the shock they are experiencing is natural, and that their initial Mom or Dad expectations may have been partly fantasy: parenting a post-institutional 12 month old is NOT the same as parenting a sleepy newborn. The real rewards and joys of parenting internationally adopted children are huge, and the real challenges can be draining, confusing and…depressing.

Loss is a catalyst for depression. Post Adoption Depression (PAD) is a response to demanding new experiences and many cumulative losses that aren’t supposed to matter to a new adoptive parent — from feelings of “post-party” let-down, to the hard work involved in meeting an adopted baby’s special needs, to the physical strain of jet-lag, and to the emotional strain of not being prepared by anyone for any of the above!

Harriet McCarthy talks about the importance of preparation in her excellent, ground-breaking article “Post Adoption Depression: The Unacknowledged Hazard” (Roots & Wings Magazine, August 2000). As a Mom with previous parenting experience I thought I was prepared to meet my Chinese daughter’s emotional requirements, but as the saying goes, I didn’t even know what I didn’t know! Education and preparation would have allowed me to plan ahead for my baby’s needs, and for MY needs, and I could have avoided much of the shock that falls under the PAD umbrella. Ironically, many of the suggestions recommended by attachment experts to lessen a child’s trauma as she transitions to her new family could also contribute to the new parent’s feelings of isolation and depression. One key to fighting PAD is realizing that while your baby’s needs must come first, there are different strategies that will still allow you to participate in the communal new-family joys and celebrations. Keeping a balance, allowing yourself to seek support and maintaining communication with other adults are vital to a parent’s emotional health. Modifying how you think about your new family and having a plan to enlist your friends and relatives may also help keep you from becoming immobilized. Plan to:

Let Others Do the Work: Instead of overwhelming your new child with a large welcoming committee at the airport, have a smaller welcome home party pre-planned for when your baby is more secure. Let others do the “work” of entertaining for you while you remain totally available to your child while visitors are there. Let friends and family know in advance that you are not allowing others to hold / care for your baby until she is securely attached to you. A letter to friends and family explaining an adopted baby’s attachment needs and your deep appreciation for their love and support is an enlightening, team-building tool to send out as you leave on your adoption trip.

Take Care of You: Don’t feel guilty about doing what any new bio-Mom would do — when you are tired, nap, take your phone off the hook, and don’t answer the door. Refuse to feel guilty about cutting back on previous activities, volunteerism, or career. If you are in a financial position to do so, give yourself permission to quit your job. Nothing you will ever do will be as important as nurturing this child.

Take Control of Visitors: Limit them to one or two at a time, and schedule them at your convenience. Take the initiative and invite a friend to visit when it’s good for you…don’t go crazy alone. If you need adult interaction, pick up the phone, and make a parent/child play-date with another understanding mom or dad.

Strategize: If you have a partner, plan who is going to do which duties (child / house / employment) and when, and how to give each other breaks. Review your agreements and allow for change! Talk about fatigue, and about taking care of each other. Discuss sex with your spouse- communicate your needs (both your interest or dis-interest) in a loving and undemanding fashion. Stress, depression and a high-need baby can strain any relationship. If you can afford it, get housecleaning or yard help. Simplify your life so you can devote your unstressed attention to your baby and partner.

Shift Your Focus: Re-define your family and include your baby in all of your outings. Only accept invitations that welcome your new child. Remember, this won’t last forever, and it’s important to your family. Gear yourself to your baby’s emotional and physical requirements and remain flexible to avoid disappointment and irritation (or as one wise Dad put it, “Rule # 1 of Parenting is: Your Plans Don’t Matter!”).

Give Yourself a Break: If you are adopting an older child, attachment professionals seriously advise keeping her out of school for 6 months in order to construct a parent-child relationship without replicating the institutional structure. Investigate temporary homeschooling and connect with other local homeschooler parents for advice, resource-pooling, and social interaction. Expect challenges and frustration and be prepared to enlist support: clue other playgroup moms into behaviors you are working on, and how they can help. Find a translator. Schedule an appointment with an attachment therapist to aid transition. Adopting an older child can be an intense experience; make a plan for your child that includes time alone for you. Everyone needs to recharge.

Expect the Unexpected: Realize that parenting a baby or child that is coming to you from an orphanage or foster care will present you with issues that you aren’t going to find covered in Dr. Spock or in “What to Expect the First Twelve Months”. If your parenting style is not effective on your post-institutional child, then you need to adapt it to what works! Most of us were not taught, pre-adoption, about our child’s deep need for “control”, or clingy, anxious attachment, or what to do about lingering orphanage behaviors. Parenting a new child with adoption issues can be exhausting, overwhelming and bewildering. It is extremely depressing to feel like you are a failure at parenthood, but you are NOT! You may simply be working off the parenting role model you were raised with, and it doesn’t necessarily work with our post-institutional kids. Pick up Foster Cline’s Parenting with Love & Logic series (he also has tapes for Toddler parenting), read The Out-of-Sync Child by Carol Kranowitz, and Dr. Sear’s Parenting the Fussy Baby and the High-Need Child: Everything You Need to Know from Birth to Age Five. Prepare to facilitate parent-child attachment by reading Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray and Holding Time by Dr. Martha Welch. Understand where your child is emotionally, rather than chronologically, and you will better understand her behaviors and how to deal with them.

Play, Play, Play! Look forward to a parent-child class like Gymboree or Kindermusik, when your child is ready to enjoy it with you. Active play will help lower frustration levels for both of you, and conversation with other adults on a regular basis is a necessity. Don’t expect your post-institutional child to behave / react like the other children initially, and don’t compare her milestones with those of non-adoptees. Teach her to be a kid — include your spouse and make a point to have “family fun” together on a regular basis.

Sound simplistic? Sometimes an attitude “paradigm-shift” is all it takes to make a difficult situation manageable…and sometimes PAD requires outside help. Don’t allow depression to make you unavailable to your baby, or ruin what should personally be a very exciting time in your life. If you are experiencing the post-adoption baby blues and it shows no sign of lifting, ask a family member or friend to help you make an appointment with a therapist or physician. A consultation with an attachment therapist or a therapist specializing in adoption issues could be very beneficial, as they usually have experience with international adoption and understand the parallel family issues. PAD can creep up on you slowly; the following are some questions that may help you identify whether you’re just having a bad Mom/Dad day, or whether your depression is larger and should be treated. If you answer “yes” to a number of these questions it is highly recommended that you discuss your feelings with qualified personnel. If you answer “yes” to the last question, you must seek help immediately:

In the past 3-4 weeks have you noticed any of the following changes:

Loss of interest in being around other people?

Always on the verge of tears?

Difficulty concentrating — unable to make decisions?

General fatigue or loss of energy?

Difficulty sleeping OR an increased need for sleep?

Significant weight gain or loss?

Excessive or inappropriate guilt?

Feelings of worthlessness?

Feelings of powerlessness?

Feelings of hopelessness?

Loss of enjoyment in things you like?

Irritability?

Recurring thoughts about death or suicide?

Parenting is such a tough job, and it forces so many of our own issues out in the open. If you are prepared for the “dark side” of life’s most wonderful experience then you will be empowered to meet your family’s parenting challenges head-on. As the mother of three daughters (11 years to 22 months) I would agree that to do this job right it helps if you’re just a little bit crazy…but you most certainly don’t want to be depressed. If you are a Waiting Family, educate yourself now about attachment and becoming a pro-active parent. Get your support systems prepared and in place before your child arrives. If you are an experienced parent, take your hard-won knowledge and compensate for what you might not have known about parenting an internationally adopted child when you first brought your baby home. Forget guilt, re-do what you can, and get creative with the next phase of your child’s development.

Parenthood jolts you into participating in one of life’s most profound joys. Finding innovative ways to get your own needs met, while giving necessary precedence to your child’s, is an intricate day-to-day balancing act that requires conscious thought and action. Being aware of Post Adoption Depression (and seeking help quickly) will mitigate the effect that baby-shock can have on you, and will give you the freedom to actively enjoy the child you’ve forever dreamed of parenting.

©2003 Jean MacLeod

(This article was written with the assistance of Doris Landry, MS, LLP, of The Attachment Coalition of Michigan and with information provided by the American Psychiatric Association. This article first appeared in Adoptive Families Magazine)

 

From the Director’s Desk: Sonia Girel

Our annual Adopt-A-Child Reunion at the Pittsburgh Zoo was a wonderful event. After several years of less than ideal Reunion Day weather, over 450 attendees enjoyed a warm and sunny day. Families traveled from near and far to celebrate and visit, and we thank everyone for contributing to this special day.

It is my pleasure to announce that the parents of Adopt-A-Child have established The Yevgeny Girel Orphans Foundation, Inc. The Foundation’s mission is to provide support to children living in orphanages, and to assist young adults who were not adopted as they prepare to live independently. We are forming committees, planning events, and I encourage everyone to participate in any way that you can. Please call our office and share your ideas, talents and energy.

Please save November 12, 2004 for our Foundation’s first official event; a Dinner/Dance with silent auction to be held at The Club at Nevillewood in Bridgeville, Pa. All proceeds will benefit the Foundation. Look for your invitation and join us for what is sure to be a wonderful time.