Spring 2003 Issue

THE HERTZLER FAMILY
by Laura Ellman, LSW

Many different factors shape the relationship between a parent and child. These may include birth order, gender, mutual interests and personality Carol and Dale Hertzler are the parents of two children who were adopted from Russia. Andrew is 9 and was adopted in 1996 when he was 3 years old. Alex was adopted in August of 2002 at 2 years and 3 months of age.

When the Hertzlers returned from adopting Alex, Carol spoke about the many toddlers in Alex’s group who were available for adoption. She speculated that prospective parents may have concerns about “older” children’s adjustment and wondered how she might advocate for those children.

In the following article, Carol responds to my questions about the adoptions of her sons when they were toddlers. She explains why she and Dale only considered a child at least 2 years old for their second adoption, and offers parenting suggestions based upon her family’s experiences.

HOW DID YOU DECIDE TO ADOPT A RUSSIAN CHILD IN THE 2-3 YEAR AGE RANGE?

We were not informed about adoption when we initiated our first adoption back in 1995. We spoke with an attorney and used a sort of “chain of referrals” system to contact what ultimately grew to some 25 agencies. Finally we reached the last four agencies at the end of our referral chain. My husband contacted the first two of these — both domestic. He then said to me, “Shall we just skip the last two? They’re both international.” I said, “No. Let’s contact them for completeness.” That quick decision changed our lives forever.

Andrew’s agency was the last one on a list of referrals and had been included despite the fact that we had never solicited information on international adoption! The last agency on the list sent us pictures immediately. Our son, Andrew, was one of those boys. This may be hard to understand, but as soon as we saw his picture, we knew he was our son . . . we fell in love with him the moment we saw his picture!

The experience of raising Andrew has been so delightful that, simply on the basis of having already adopted a boy of 3, we were inclined to repeat the process in a similar way . . . serious reflection also showed us that we could most clearly know “who” a child really is if he were at least 2 years of age.

DID YOU PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE ADOPTION OF AN “OLDER CHILD” IN ANY WAY?

Our situation is somewhat unique in that 6 years elapsed between adoptions, giving us time to inform ourselves through:

1) extensive reading,

2) numerous seminars,

3) endless networking and

4) several in-depth conversations with three of the top international medicine specialists in the country.

We did this not because we had experienced issues with Andrew, but because we were now more aware that difficulties could potentially exist. But, the information we received was never so clear as to cause any of the professionals to give stern advice not to adopt an older child.

We have come to the conclusion that, although physicians give the very best advice they can, based on the data available, the conditions in orphanages (equipment, staffing, education in child development, etc.) have improved dramatically over a 10 year period. Based on this scenario of rapidly improving conditions, the “best data” on institutionalized children is probably relatively old and probably not reflective of toddlers growing up in orphanages over the past several years. We can personally attest to the changes that have occurred in that both of our boys came from orphanages that were recognized as being excellent. But, an excellent orphanage of 1996 is quite a different place from an excellent orphanage in 2003.

So were we better prepared for problems? Yes, if only because we had so much time to read, consult and network. Thus, taking all the information we had into consideration, we never wavered in our decision to go with a child of at least 2.

COULD YOU DESCRIBE HOW THE BOYS INTERACTED WITH YOU UPON LEAVING THE ORPHANAGE?

When we met each child in person, it was in the setting of the orphanage director’s office. Being separated from the orphanage was clearly a traumatic event for Andrew in that he acted like a “china doll” over the course of a long night of travel, completed that very day. During the flight, he sat perfectly still in his seat. When we deplaned, we just picked him up, carried him, and sat him down. All the while, he never uttered a peep. When we put him to bed, he just went to sleep with no crying. When he awoke the next morning, he was like a different boy; full of fun wanting to play, alert and just delightful! When I look back, I know he must have been in a state of trauma.

The bonding situation with Alex was a good bit different. When they brought him into the Director’s office and she put him into my arms, saying “this is Mama,” he just held onto me and hugged me for a number of minutes. We had several good visits with him in which we played together and walked with him outdoors. I recall him always orienting us so that he could hold hands with both of us as we walked.

We did experience a fair amount of crying (at the drop of a hat) and tantruming (perhaps 8 or 10 “flat out on the floors”) with Alex over the course of our 5 days in Russia. Provocations for him included not wanting what he was offered to eat, not wanting to go where we needed to go, not wanting to go to sleep, etc . . . How did we handle tantrums? Obviously, we did the only thing we could do — pick him up!

HOW DID THE BOYS REACT TO THEIR NEW HOME AND ALL OF THE CHANGES IN THEIR WORLD?

From the questions that I’ve been asked over the years, I now appreciate that helping a toddler or young child to make the adjustment to an entirely new situation must seem like a daunting task. Most people seem to be concerned with:

1) bridging the language barrier,

2) comforting a child who is frightened of his new surroundings, and

3) establishing a new daily routine.

First, it’s important to realize that your child wants to communicate with you. You’re now the #1 person in his life and he really wants to know what you’re trying to tell him. Children are also logical and you’ll constantly be witness to the process by which your child tries to get an understanding of the new routines, people and objects around him.

With regard to language, Andrew did at first attempt to speak Russian. But it seemed that as soon as he realized that we didn’t understand him, he stopped speaking. This lasted for approximately 6 weeks, and when he did speak again, it all came out in a torrent of English. Clearly he had spent his silent time just listening!

Before going to pick up Alex, we made specific efforts to learn some basic Russian phrases, something we had not done with Andrew. Most particularly, we learned critical phrases, including, “we will eat now”, “we will sleep now”, “good”, and “good boy”. The former phrases give the child a moment to process what is about to happen, and the latter are words of affirmation.

After arrival home, Andrew remained bright and sunny, while Alex went from rainy to partly cloudy. In his first 3 weeks at home he had perhaps 4 tantrums. Looking back on the transition time with Alex, I believe that this had to do with his frustration at not being understood. Because we did nothing to “make” his tantrums disappear, I can only conclude that they stopped as a result of improved communication and becoming adjusted to his new environment and routines.

Getting through the day-to-day routine provides you with a wonderful opportunity to establish parental control without having to be in a disciplinary situation...throughout the day you make cheerful announcements like, “Breakfast time!”, “Time to play!”, “Lunch Time!”, etc. All of these “time” statements help to establish your authority while giving logical shape to your child’s day. Remember, the orphanage operated according to a strict schedule, so scheduling is not a foreign concept to your child. Also, remember that, although it may seem kind to skip some upsetting part of the routine (bathtime was one of our issues), you’ll just redouble your child’s anxiety when you reinstitute it the next day.

With regard to bonding, I believe that Andrew emotionally internalized the concept of “Papa” almost immediately, possibly because until the adoption, he had met virtually no men. Thus, his papa was unique in all the world to him.

With me, although he was always very affectionate, he was nearly equally affectionate with other women friends and neighbors. The process of attaching specifically to me was gradual, taking place over the period of about a year. This was not an awful time for us and I never felt rejected by him. Instead, I sometimes felt jealous in watching him go so easily to other women!

Alex seemed to make a firm attachment to both of us from the start. From then until this day, he runs to me, hides behind me or stretches up his arms shouting “Uppy” whenever something frightens or surprises him. Bonding for Alex has an additional dynamic because he came home to a brother! Indeed, Andrew had been praying for a brother for years and I’m sure his attitude and cheerful nature went a long way towards facilitating Alex’s bonding with him.

DO YOU HAVE SUGGESTIONS FOR FAMILIES WHO ARE PREPARING TO ADOPT CHILDREN IN THE 2 to 3 YEAR AGE RANGE?

My general advice prior to travel would be to learn some basic Russian phrases to facilitate communication with your child.

Make sure to get yourself ready. I mean ready in the sense that you’re ready to laugh and play with your child, not ready to perform an evaluation of him. If you feel anxious about meeting your child, he’ll sense it. Prepare to be delighted (you’ll have good reason to be) and you’ll set the tone for your early relationship.

Be sure to set a schedule (probably not until you arrive home) and stick to it! Your child will be used to a schedule and it will actually be a comfort to him. It will also help you to establish parental authority in the absence of a disciplinary situation.

It’s not necessary to be domineering. Pick your battles, but after you’ve chosen them, stick to your guns. But with some issues, learn the valuable technique of “pretending not to notice”. Gradually introduce “choice making”. It will give your child a sense of autonomy and prepare him to deal with other kids.

Try to keep your circle small, at least in the first months at home. I mean something on the order of Dad, Mom, child and perhaps one or two others.

Don’t bother with lots of special activities at first. The one thing your child really can’t have enough of is time with you.

I would try to avoid abrupt, confusing separations such as dropping the child off in the church or gym nursery. Rather, I would stay with him in the nursery. It is your prerogative to change the rules a bit in the interest of facilitating your child’s adjustment.

IS THERE ANYTHING THAT YOU WISH YOU HAD DONE DIFFERENTLY WITH EITHER CHILD AT THIS POINT?

Like all parents, I suppose, I always carry around a bagful of “I wonders”. That is, “I wonder if I should have signed Andrew up for such and such a class”, or “I wonder if I should have started Alex in preschool this January?” But, put into perspective, I find that the things that I think about are all non-issues.

I do believe there was a period when I over-worried about Andrew — around the ages of 3-4. I had become more aware of some of the problems which some adopted children may have and began to scrutinize his development, wondering if everything was on target. I consulted with several professionals, got lots of reassurance and ultimately came to regret the time that I spent worrying rather than simply enjoying the very normal development of my precious son. So, my advice would be for new parents to try to hit a balance very early on. Address any issues which cause you real concern but, above all, enjoy your child! (P.S. Observe the other kids at pre-school. There you’ll see the full range of “normal development”. Prepare to be astounded!)

 

From the Director's Desk: Sonya Girel

I am happy to report that since early 2003, Adopt-A-Child has been placing children from the region of Krasnoyarsk. We are impressed with the orphanages, the quality of care that the children receive and the commitment of our staff in this region. Our families who have traveled there are equally pleased with their experience and most importantly, their children. We continue to be very busy in Moscow, St. Petersburg and Rostov, as well.

I would like to assure you that the recent international conflict has not affected Russian adoptions. We maintain contact with the U.S. State Department and the U.S. Consulate in Moscow to remain informed about any travel advisories. Thankfully, there have been no restrictions nor advisories placed upon Russia, nor travel through countries en route to Russia.

We are all preparing for our annual Spring Reunion, May 31, 2003, at the Pittsburgh Zoo. In addition, our families are in the planning stage for the annual Summer Family Picnic which will be in August. I look forward to seeing you!